My dear friend Renee has prodded me for years to write a book. Renee is a “word nerd.” She’s actually written and published books. She has that creative brain. Me? I don’t have that gift. I have lived an extremely rich, interesting, challenging and sometimes excruciating life that yes, could fill multiple books but I haven’t been able to find a way to tell the story. How to start? What to say? How to make it meaningful?

Yesterday it hit me. I was watching The Today Show and someone was talking about breast cancer. She mentioned the one word that hit me like a lightning strike. Grief. Grief is a common thread.

We all experience grief. And for me, it’s been ever present in my life. I watched as my childhood friend, Sandy Sagoian was struck by a hit and run driver. Literally, having her hand pulled from mine. I was 6 years old. She survived only to be killed by a drunk driver a few years later. A guy on a motorcycle. It unfolded as I watched again. 30 feet away. Helpless to do anything. I was 10. Grief.

As a child, I watched as my mother struggled with health issues. I once returned home after babysitting to find her in a coma. She survived only to finally succumb to her disease when I was 14. Grief.

At 16 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I had carried this child for nine months. Loved this child. Talked to this child every day. Seeing her when she was born, I was so taken by her beauty. But, I wanted the best for this child. A 16 year old was not equipped to provide that. So, I gave her up for adoption. To this day, it was the most painful decision I’ve ever made. It was also the best. But it came with grief.

I recently wrote about the murder of my friend Jane’s brother, Jimmy. While not my brother, I was deeply affected by that experience and the grief that surrounded me. And I experienced grief as I cared deeply for Jane and her parents.

In my late twenties I became pregnant again. An ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me when it ruptured. But worse? It robbed me of any ability to have children going forward. Grief.

Being diagnosed with cancer multiple times while frightening, didn’t really bring grief until I had to undergo the double mastectomy. Losing my breasts? Grief.

The reason I finally focused on this was because of a question I often am asked regarding my MS. And honestly, it took that moment of hearing the word to put it together. People often ask me how I was able to deal with my diagnosis. I explain that it was a grieving process. I literally went through a grieving process that took about two years. I had to grieve the loss of my career, my mobility, who I was before. And I had to learn to embrace who I was now. They often ask how I knew to do that. I didn’t really have a good answer before. I thought because of my career in medicine I had been exposed to chronic illness, death and dying and therefore understood grief and grieving.

What I now understand is my life prepared me for it. I had learned about grief. About grieving from a young age. I had learned through those difficult experiences how to grieve. How to take each step in the process, to put the pieces back together. And I’ve learned that we don’t embrace grief as we should.

Grief and grieving are extremely important if we’re to heal from trauma. To deal with the unimaginable losses we may encounter. We must learn to take the time to immerse ourselves in our feelings. Validate them. And then, we must learn how to use those feelings to help us accept our lives and move forward. Because grief is healthy. Grieving is healthy.

In closing, I do plan on trying to write the book. Because believe it or not, there’s actually a lot more to my story. I told you, it’s been an interesting life. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But, I’d like to encourage you all to grieve anything you perhaps never did. You may have been told “Just get through it” or “It’s going to be okay” as a way to minimize the loss or rush you through the grieving process. That’s not okay. I encourage you to take this time to go back and feel your loss, whatever it was. And work through it. It doesn’t mean it consumes you. It just means you give it the attention and significance it’s deserving of. When you get to the acceptance part of the process? You’ll find peace. And peace is something we all need.

As I tip my hat to Renee who always pushes me to be better, I say Namaste.🙏